Idiot #3: The Emotional Newteen Who Pretends To Be Depressed In Order To Obtain Mediocre Female/male Attention

I have a huge problem with the following kind of Idiot. More than you would know. Warning from Sauce: this could get a bit touchy. Sorry if I offend anyone.
This Idiot, I like to call, the Emotional Newteen Who Pretends To Be Depressed In Order To Obtain Mediocre Female/male Attention.
In other words, the Emo Kid.
Don't get me wrong, I'm cool with the Emo look. If guyliner and a ridiculous amount of hairspray is what you think is cool, then I'm cool with it. That's your style, your look. No problem here.
However, when you fly your little Emo flag around and post stuff like:

Who was the fappin' idiot who decided this was "cool" or "cute?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdofmoYcJNE

Ok, seriously? You're in high school, maybe in middle school. You have NO idea what "true love" is. You don't "love" this person. It's a brief emotional infatuation. Nobody is "breaking your heart."

In other words, get the hell over it.

Studies show that only around 1%-2% of high school relationships end in marriage (I forget where I read that, but it still sounds too high of a marriage rate to me). So guess what, ENWPTBDIOTOMFAs? You know what that translates to?

There is no hope.
NO HOPE.

Moving on...

The Emo, while not noticing it him/herself, is going through a strange stage in which he/she thinks that he/she will be more "experienced" or more "adult" if he/she shows individuality or demonstrates their perverted view of adult life in pictures such as those above ^ ^, then he/she will be widely considered to be more "mature."
But there is one flaw: in doing so, they just show how pathetic and emotionally-immature they are. The ENWPTBDIOTOMFAs are a burden to society. A burden!

I feel going extreme here. Extreme. So let us briefly imagine a horrific alter-reality in which EVERYONE is an ENWPTBDIOTOMFA:

1) Work would never get done. Many E.s do not even exercise. They just sit around on Facebook and complain emotionally about their 3rd relationship this week, while simultaneously "site-modeling" because they are so insecure that they can't express themselves enough without a name like "Ricky Rainbow" or "Cindy Cyanide."

2) Long-lasting relationships and friendships would not exist. For example, the typical E. relationship lasts from anywhere between a few months or a couple days. No matter the time duration, the other is referred to as "lover," "love of my life," or "married" via Facebook. Ironically, this does not last, as both individuals in the relationship are so over-dramatic and emotionally immature that they end up taking the relationship too seriously and getting very involved and clingy.

3) We would all have psychic powers. I am 100% certain that if everyone was an ENWPTBDIOTOMFA, all that immaturity and pathetic whining would bundle up into an explosive mass of energy which we would soon learn how to control. And everyone would be a Telekinetic Emo.
The future!

Now for the touchy part.
As many people know, there is a thing called "cutting," which emotionally-disturbed individuals use to relieve themselves of their emotional pain. This is NOT a laughing matter, it is a very serious problem in the teenage population.
However, the ENWPTBDIOTOMFA cuts his/her wrist for the sole purpose of attention and sympathy, or even for male and female attention. It has gotten to the point where cutting is looked at as "cute" (I once again direct myself back to the images above).
Not only do they perform this ghastly action, they also insist on how miserable and depressing their posh, suburban lives are. Their parents lavish them with gifts, and yet they claim to be in the depths of despair because their boyfriends don't stop "hurting their feelings" and "breaking their hearts," which is totally something for someone to cut themselves over -_-

I laugh at this, but from sheer disbelief and scorn. Self-mutilation for the sake of attention is one word:

Disgusting.

Another disgusting, and still touchy, aspect of the ENWPTBDIOTOMFA is his/her strange allure to bisexuality. While Sauce is Ok with bisexuals, he frowns upon fake bisexuals, and this is what the majority of the E. population is; fake and [not] gay. For some strange reason, bisexuality is looked at as an exploration of other feelings, so one can fully experience all there is to experience in sex. This creates an idea that [fake] bisexuality is cool and mature, which it is not.

Touchy shit over with, we now move on to,

A Complete and Glorious Recap of What Makes Them Idiots:

-Takes relationships too seriously, almost to the point of an unhealthy obsession
-Sorry level of emotional security/maturity
-Site-modeling. Nuff said
-Fake cutting
-Fake bisexuality

This Idiot makes Sauce just want to cut his wrists and die in a deep dark hole because that blackness is what he feels in his heart forever. I'm sorry, I'm an ENWPTBDIOTOMFA, and I cannot comprehend satire.

Sincerely,

Sauce

Idiot #2: The Awkward Midwestern-Southern Gothic Farmer Wannabe

Hicks.

I live in a small town in the Midwest of the United States. Hail Hitler. Most of my neighbors are what I call "hicks." I guess.

The Hick is a species of Idiot only found in certain areas of the USA, particularly the Midwest, pity me. If you look up "Hick" in Google Images, here is the picture that pops up first:

When you think "hick," you think of this, right? Well I'm pretty sure every Midwesterner would say you're wrong.

The actual "Hick" (a nickname for "Awkward Midwestern-Southern Gothic Farmer Wannabe") is more of a combination of long, tangled hair reminiscent of Cousin Itt which completely covers the face in an unwashed mop, ridiculous cargo or camo jeans/pants, giant, steel-toed boots (pointless because this hick never spends much time outside anyway) and he weareth a wifebeater, mirroring his favorite pastime at home if he is lucky enough to indeed have one. When not carrying through with this frowned-upon endeavor, the Hick is sitting in his front lawn next to a refrigerator and a case of Budweiser (half-empty), absent-mindedly watching the cars go by as he attempts to get a high from a tube going up the exhaust pipe of his Ford Ranger pickup.

Whether or not you are shaking your head wondering how such a loathsome breed of humanity could exist in this world or nodding your head in morbid acception of it, please read on, because I warn you: it gets worse.

If the Hick has a son, the consequences are almost unbearable. The son attempts to mirror his father's pathetic lifestyle, but in a never-ending quest to appear more attractive to both genders of his comrades, he claims he works on a farm and is always talking about his dog, his tractor, his weed-wacker, or *sheeuk* his INTERNATIONAL HARVESTERRR.

Which brings me to another topic, one involving country music.

I have NO problem with most country music (with the exception of Taylor Swift), though I don't think it is particularly good either. But the Hick Son really pushes my buttons. Not only does he bear an almost religious fervor towards this mediocre musical genre, he bashes all other music as inferior. Once again, he is trying to show his manly male farm-worker dominance. The Hick Son listens to MAN'S MUSIC.

Oh looks like we got a real badass over here.

The sad irony in this is that the Hick Son finds nothing more interesting in his life than his tractor or his truck or his dog or his girlfriend (ugly as she probably is) that he is forced to listen to music which only addresses these topics.

But the worst part about this Idiot is his obsession with bashing anyone who does not fit his lifestyle. "City Kids," he calls them, laughing in the face of society. My my, he is such a rebel. I hope you can understand my sarcasm in that previous statement.
Not only does the Hick bash the mere fact that these "City Kids" live somewhere other than an isolated crack factory on the curb of a rural intersection, he enjoys making fun of the idea that they have never worked a day in their life, which is not true 99% of the time.

A Complete and Glorious Recap of What Makes Them Idiots:

-A laughable sense of fashion and/or outright decency and cleanliness
-A strange, confused lifestyle and an irritating and sorry personality
-Their ridiculous obsession with the country music genre and all that comes with it, be it women, money, or bragging rights in general
-Deriving a childish humor from dragging others down in a pathetic attempt to seem strong, important, or manly. The Hick himself is none of these, but we must remember:
The Hick must ensure his superiority no matter the cost, even though it ends up making him look like the Idiot he is.

Sincerely,

Sauce

NOTE: I would also address the unhealthy amount of meth addiction in the Hick environment, but it is a topic too touchy for this blog.

Idiot #1: The Musically-Vacuous Preteen Who Claims To Be Of Mature Age

This will be my first post.

And I, Sauce, am infuriated.

As I have said, this blog is about Idiots, particularly those online. It will be updated hopefully once a week, and include an extensive article about stupid people who just really piss Sauce off.

This particular article is about a sadly common species of Idiot known as the Musically-Vacuous Preteen Who Claims To Be Of Mature Age.

We all know the Musically-Oblivious 8th Grader meme, right? Well that's what I'm talking about. But not just a stupid person who has no idea who Areosmith is. No, much worse: The MVPWCTBOMA is a much more common, far more loathsome breed who attempts to *gasp* argue their opinion on music!

Allow me to give an example:

There is a Facebook page I am a fan of. This said page is known as "Blood On The Dance Floor: The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Humanity."

(Note: not trying to slam on gays here, I am ok with any sexuality, but not when it is revealed in such a revolting extreme as this)

The title is almost disturbingly accurate, for most likes given to said page are from ridiculous fanboys/fangirls who are the equivalent of Beliebers who like a "Justin Bieber Is Gaaaay" page with the sole intent of bombing it with "HES NOT GAY HES JUST TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING FOR HIS POOR FAMILY STOP BASHING HIM AND BEING MEAN HE GETS MORE GIRLS THAN YOU!!!111!!1"

But these are much worse. Most of these silly, misguided children are "scene": a mixture of a comically absurd fashion sense and an even more comical personality which cannot be taken seriously. They refuse to see the own shortcomings of their favorite bands and insist that it is good music simply for the following reasons:

1) The [lead vocalist, etc] is a cool guy, attractive
2) They have a ton of fans, so they must be good
3) The [lead vocalist, etc] gets way more girls/guys than you do
4) They have a record deal and you're never gonna get one so stffuuuu

Allow me to supply my own opinion of "good music," in a similar list with four reasons:

1) Must involve a significant songwriting/musical talent by all the members
2) Must use real, live instruments/be performed live
3) Must attempt to create a distinct style
4) Must be in-tune and on-key and in good time

BOTDF violates rule #1

Canny, pop tunes set to a synthesizer reminiscent of 70's disco mixed with modern techno requires no talent, especially if it is put together on a computer. Auto-tuned vocals require no talent either... I have never heard of Dahvie Vanity making an acoustic cover.

 #2

Singing along to a track does not count as performing the instrument itself.

 and #3

BOTDF sounds exactly the same as all the mortifyingly bad pop bands that make a wreck of the modern music industry.

 though I must say because of the heavy synthesizers and autotune at use by the vocalists, #4 is no problem for them *golf clap*

So these MVPWCTBOMAs already have virtually nothing to argue in their favor. But do they still argue? YES! Of course! They MUST attempt to purge all who fail to conform to their perfect reality!

How do they do this? Allow me to supply some random quotes, pulled right from the interwebs:

Justin Bieber's music video for "baby"

haters hatin' on a 18 year old boy for living his dream hahah, dudes you don't have to watch this if you don't like him, you're not obligated, wouldn't your life be better if you simply ignored him and his songs since you hate him so much? xD

10fati 1 hour ago

Which brings up another argument, by the way: "Why are you watching the video if you don't like him?!?!?!"

Answer: We are watching the video because we enjoy laughing in the face of those who make it to the top not by musical talent or ingenuity, but by the ability to manipulate a market designed to ensnare snobby, insignificant teenage females like yourself.



... I can't agree that it is "quality entertainment." But I can agree that you have no musical education. I'm pretty sure it is far more difficult to write a song for an entire orchestra (in the case of the classical music genre) or compose a shredding technical death metal riff syncopated to a near-impossible blast beat (metal genre) than it is to play around with a dubstep machine for a couple hours (dubstep genre).

Idiots like this "Aj" child... I don't even...

I would find a last example, but such posts are so infuriating to me that I refuse to copy them onto my desktop and upload them to this blog page. Besides, there's plenty of MVPWCTBOMAs to go around. Go find some, there's one on almost every music-related forum, blog, video, or fan page out there :P

A Complete and Glorious Recap of What Makes Them Idiots:

-Ridiculous remarks such as "haters like you make them famous!" NO THEY DON'T, THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
-Obsessing over the artists they like just because of how attractive they are. (Logic being that attractive people must be talented as well).
-Claiming they are older than they actually are, in an attempt to make the person they are arguing against feel like an equal or even inferior.
-Refusing to admit that their genre and bands they enjoy are flawed even to a minor extent.
-Their whiny attitude and grammatically-incorrect abuse of language and street slang in their arguments in an attempt to sound more "grown-up."
-"Why are you watching the video if you don't like it?" -Ironic, as most of these Idiots would gladly do the same to a video of a genre they less prefer. This is a lazy excuse for a logical argument.

Sorry if I bashed any bands you enjoy.
Feel free to spread your little butthurt complaints, they give me a near-erotic pleasure.

Sincerely,

Sauce